(This blog was started and saved on the 9th) now i'm back to finish it and cannot even remember where i was going with it.. Lesson learned: finish a blog in that session... a lesson for me especially! here it is anyway for whatever it's worth...
Yesterday i was tremendously blessed. Really there are no words to explain it all. It's been on my heart, for quite some time to go over to the nursing home/assisted living where my mil lives and sing for the residents. Every time i go there for a visit, it's a real eye opener. Most of the residents are just there.. quality of life diminished.. not able to go outside those "four walls." Life is, what appears to be, over for them. Now they are waiting to meet their maker. I hope that if i do live to be that old there will be nice people to visit me and sing some songs with guitar. And not just during the typical Christmas season.
That day I just sang a number of worship songs and livened it up with La Bamba. I was on the nursing home side so getting any kind of response from the residence was minimal if any at all. Afterwards, i walked around and talked to them individually. And even though many could no longer communicate verbally, I know we spoke the universal language of love. I can feel the pain there in some lives.. i can also feel the hope and anicpation of the life to come from others.
I ponder life in many ways. I say i do not fear death or getting old but i question if this is REALLY true. So many thoughts cross my mind (on probably a not so normal frequency). When i come to a place on my journey when i stare death in the face, i must consider serious heart and life questions. A few months ago I had a health issue arise from out of no where. It was very concerning.. and the waiting period before actually seeing the doctor was quite trying. What if i have a life threatening condition here? The fear and sorrow gripped my heart.. first i face the idea of my own mortality.. Ok..not too bad really. I mean, i am secure in my relationship with God and my intimacy with Jesus Christ. As i pondered it more, i realized that the real fear and sorrow i felt are for my kids and my family. Then my mind goes on an imaginary trail of life here on earth void of ME. Imagining the questions my children would have.. the deep saddness they would experience.. all of lifes experiences they would have without me, their biological mommy who loves them SOOO much... (school, learning lifes lessons, graduation, marriage, their own families). Then i think of Phil trying to manage life without me and possibly finding a relationship with another woman (who may or may not fulfill my role well). The devestation of my own mother and my sister. And my friends.. temporarily i would think. So.. "life" would go on without me.
Last week i experience the same rush of fear while on our flight back home from Dallas to Corpus Christi. The weather was less than desireable and we flew through major turbulence nearly the entire time. Again i was gripped with fear...having my Phil next to me didn't seem to help much... what good would TWO parents gone from my childerens' lives be. I leaned forward...face in my hands.. tears streaming as i confronted God.. "Ok Lord, I confess i am afraid.. 'afraid of what'..."good question!" I thought..."ok, Lord, you are right, i am not afraid to die and meet you face to face.. i just don't want to leave my kids without parents. please, Lord, let us land safely.. 'Do you trust me either way?'.. I had to come to terms with my momentary lack of trust in God.. "right..right.. ok.. i trust you either way.. i am ready.. yes, Lord, i love you."
Answer to prayer and trusting in Him.. I'm here to blog about it and be transparent about it.
I just want to live like each day is my last.. did i say that already?... well, guess i keep reminding myself. What matter's most.. that i am living each day with integrity in every area of my life.. that my kids and family know without a doubt that i love them...that i find ways to show God's love to others whenever possible...that my life is not my own.. that's all for now.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
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